The World of The Gunny

The Wasted World of Gunnery Sergeant DeShane
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 09 Nov 2007 01:35 
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Private First Class
Private First Class

Joined: 19 May 2005 18:16
Posts: 32
12 Step Program for the Military



1. I am in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to
recovery...

2. Speech:

* Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
* Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
* "F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
* Grunting is not talking.
* It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
* People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC


3. Style:

* Do not put creases in your jeans.
* Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
* A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
* A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
* So does a low reg, but not as bad.
* A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
* you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.


4. Women:

* Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.


5. Personal accomplishments:

* In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.


6. Drinking:

* In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
* That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
* That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter


6. Bodily functions:

* Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
* The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
* You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
* VD will also not be funny


7. The human body:

* Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.


8. Spending habits:

* One day, you will have to pay bills
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
* Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
* One day you will need health insurance


9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

* Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.


10. Real jobs:

* They really can fire you.
* On the flip side you really can quit.
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
* Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800


11. The Law:

* Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
* Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
* Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.


12. General knowledge:

* You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
* They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 09 Nov 2007 09:38 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
LMAO! Miles those were great! I sure could have used that handy list when I got out of the Corps. :w

This is for you Miles, A retired SF Army Medic wrote them. :bs


Things you should not do in the Army

Guard duty is not a license to steal.

An FTX (Field Training Exercise) is not a fishing trip.

An FTX is not a cross country skiing vacation.

An FTX is not a place to take your bike.

Running with a rucksack doesn't count when it's filled with your air matress.

You don't tell the Sergeant Major (senior NCO man in a battalion) to jump and hold the rest of the stick because the wind is too high.

You don't tell the battalion commander, who is talking to the mayor of Munich..."Make him an offer he can't refuse."

You don't pull 2nd lieutenants ingrown toenails without anesthetic and insinuate they are pussies, if they sweat.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject: Some Military Jokes
PostPosted: 09 Nov 2007 23:01 
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Joined: 25 May 2005 15:34
Posts: 984
Location: In the Stan
Military and Civilian Differences...




CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shit was fun as fuck!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to stop being a fag.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Borrow each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relatioship problems and hope it works out for you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night. (yea baby!!!!! oh hell yea!!!!!)

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste.. That's alcohol abuse!!!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later "okay just one more".

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this

_________________
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 09 Nov 2007 23:39 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
Carib, thise are great! :bs

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 10 Nov 2007 09:08 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
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Location: Wandering the Wastes
This is an actual e-mail from a senior watch officer monitoring the battle in Fallujah...

Gents,

There is a legitimate, credentialed, Iraqi Reporter named Fathi Ghanim Al Iraqia attached with 4th BN, 1st Bde of the Iraqi forces (with 6th Plt?).

Earlier today he took some pictures of 4th BN Iraqi wounded. The Iraqi soldiers he was with took exception to him doing this. He says he deleted the photos from his camera, but the Iraqi soldiers were still incensed and locked him in a closet somewhere in their zone.

He is calling the MEF PAO on his cell phone from the closet.

We need to get him released.

Please get a hold of the LNO there and work the issue. Let us know your progress and when you find him.

Semper Fidelis,


Damn shame we can't do that with our freakin reporters! :bs

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 10 Nov 2007 20:58 
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Sergeant
Sergeant

Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
Quote:
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.


i was in a situation where this was called for. I was on a couch (and sober. i hate being designated dave) and my mate was rooting this dirty mole on the floor about 3m away. I was lying there, listening to people trying to fuck quietly, and thought "now what can i do right about now?". Then this popped into my mind and i started laughing my arse off. talk about a mood killer.

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 11 Nov 2007 10:39 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
This received from an unidentified correspondent in the Department of Defense.

"Towel Heads"

Recently I received a warning about the use of this
politically incorrect term.

Please try to pay attention.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not
like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"little sheet heads."

Thank you for your support on this delicate matter.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 01 Jan 2008 17:27 
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Sergeant
Sergeant

Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
whats yellow and cant swim?

a bulldozer.


why'd the first koala fall out of the tree?

it was dead

why'd the second koala fall out of the tree?

got hit by the first one

why'd the third koala fall out of the tree?

everyone else was doing it

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 14 Dec 2008 18:05 
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Warrant Officer 1
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
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Location: Maumee, Ohio
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"

"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 14 Dec 2008 18:46 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
The Power of Sergeants


Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Air Force Officers and one Sergeant. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything for the Air Force. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech all the Air Force Officers began to clap…

Moral: Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Dec 2008 00:28 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
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Location: Wandering the Wastes
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Dec 2008 13:38 
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Warrant Officer 1
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
Posts: 909
Location: Maumee, Ohio
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"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Dec 2008 19:29 
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
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Location: Maumee, Ohio
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have
evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite
late.


The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the
wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she
preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.


The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.


So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the
couch watching TV.


She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then
told him to come closer. Then even closer.


She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".


"Now take off my bra.


"Next remove my shoes and stockings."


"Now remove my garter belt and panties"


She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The
next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Dec 2008 00:00 
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
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Location: Maumee, Ohio
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 13 Jan 2009 03:27 
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Sergeant
Sergeant

Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
why do dogs lick their balls?
they cant make a fist.

a man comes home to his wife and best friend having sex. he shot his wife and told his dog he was a bad boy.


a man and his wife, married for fifteen years, were having anniversary sex. All of a sudden, she flicks on the light and see's her husband in the act, and he's swinging in the breeze, going hard at her with a dildo. "What the fuck! How long have you been impotent!'
"my whole life"
"You lying fucking bastard! Explain yourself!"
He looks her dead in the eye and says "I'll explain this if you explain the three kids"

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Jan 2009 13:39 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Iowa. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic landscapes full of buffalo, tall grass, and hawks, beautiful skies, forests full of elk and deer, rich farmland and fair skinned people."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Hawkeyes, and they shall be known as a most friendly people."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Iowans?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 22 Feb 2009 23:22 
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Warrant Officer 1
Warrant Officer 1
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
Posts: 909
Location: Maumee, Ohio
Image

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Mar 2009 09:29 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Location: Wandering the Wastes
The Americans With No Abilities Act

AP News Wire Service:

President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 22 Mar 2009 01:00 
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Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

"So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right."

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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PostPosted: 22 Mar 2009 01:09 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Location: Wandering the Wastes
I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.



A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 30 mph (the speed limit is 50) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this assh*le?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 19, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offence."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offence."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 10 Apr 2009 17:09 
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Found this Stumbling, enjoyed it:



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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PostPosted: 23 Apr 2009 01:59 
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Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
It's Friday, Jesus is up on the cross, talking to his discples on last time. "Stay away from my easter eggs you cunts, i'll be back on sunday!"

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 23 Apr 2009 11:24 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
Benno the Mad wrote:
It's Friday, Jesus is up on the cross, talking to his discples on last time. "Stay away from my easter eggs you cunts, i'll be back on sunday!"


Hey Benno, where's the 'Beerfire' stuff you sent me the other day? :w :bs



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 26 Apr 2009 06:34 
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Sergeant
Sergeant

Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
The BEERFIRE!

Image

No, those are not drop tanks, they are beer kegs! This clever chap flew what had to be a very close contender for best fighter aircraft of WWII.


His unit was stationed in France shortly after D-Day. He had some reason to return to England, then returned to Francewith some unofficial "ordnance" under the wings of his Spitfire. When he came down from altitude, his "cargo" was chilled to just the right temperature for a hot June afternoon.


Image

Image


why cant pilots today do this for us poor techo's??

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 30 Apr 2009 19:53 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
Chili Contest



Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
ME: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
ME: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
ME: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
ME: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
ME: Momma?

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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