The World of The Gunny

The Wasted World of Gunnery Sergeant DeShane
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PostPosted: 04 May 2009 22:47 
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THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED ON STAR TREK

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

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PostPosted: 07 May 2009 19:26 
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Gavin sent this to me in an email. I must say I got a kick out of it. :bs

Replace a few words and spelling and you could make the exact same list for the US Military. :bl


You know your in the Australian Defence Force when...

1. You need a translator to talk to your civvie (civilian) friends, only because they don't understand your military terminology and acronyms.

2. You don't have to think about what time 21:30 is.

3. You tell people to 'snap it off' when your waiting to use the bathroom..

4. You lie when people ask you what you do for a living.

5. You use 'target indication' to point out hot chicks.

6. You use field hand signals in a nightclub if people can't hear you.

7. You can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing DPCU/DPDU.

8. You think the mash potato has been laced, but you eat it anyway.

9. You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal....

10. You spend all your money at the boozer.

11. You can't resist saying "Roger", "Say Again" and other snappy bits of RATEL.

12. You want to punch slow walking civvies in the back of the head because they aren't moving with a 'sense of urgency'.

13. You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend.

14. Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as 'Zero Alpha'.

15. You refer to personal organisation as "admin".

16. You spell out everything with the phonetic alphabet.

17. You always point out things using your whole hand in a karate chop motion.

18. You carry everything in your left hand.

19. You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better.

20. You think not shaving is a treat.

21. Your blood boils when you see civvies wearing DPCU.

22. You refer to cigarettes as 'durries' or 'darbs'.

23. At least half of your DVD collection are war movies.

24. The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'.

25. You're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold.

26. You always use the 24 hour clock.

27. You know what a 'F.R.E.D' is.

28. You discovered it's a federal offence to jump out of a perfectly good plane on a civilian flight.

29. When scanning open ground (when not looking for enemy in depth) you think, good tank country.

30. You scan open ground.

31. When you are pointing out some natural feature you begin with "Reference - bushy topped tree etc"

32. You tell your friends to 'wait out'.

33. You cringe, and mutter under your breath 'haircut', when you see men with long hair.

34. You can't watch war movies without giving a running commentary.

35. You can read a catalogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a 'Gucci' bit of kit.

36. Sleep deprivation is one of your skills.

37. You think 'piquet' is crap.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 07 May 2009 23:35 
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27.5 - you have several FRED's in your kitchen drawer, and they're more used than the can openers.



if oudon't know, a FRED is a Fucking Retarded Eating Device. it's half can opener, half spoon, half knife, half fevered dream, all in miniature. comes in our ratpacks, and is good for eating cheese and fruit. if you want to know more, http://www.fuckinggoogleit.com or ask Gav, he'd know more than me. I havent been issued a ratpack since about this time '07.

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"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 07 May 2009 23:43 
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Benno the Mad wrote:
27.5 - you have several FRED's in your kitchen drawer, and they're more used than the can openers.



if oudon't know, a FRED is a Fucking Retarded Eating Device. it's half can opener, half spoon, half knife, half fevered dream, all in miniature. comes in our ratpacks, and is good for eating cheese and fruit. if you want to know more, http://www.fuckinggoogleit.com or ask Gav, he'd know more than me. I havent been issued a ratpack since about this time '07.


Lol, thansk for the info Benno my friend. I was wondering what a FRED was. It sounds like a nightmarish cross between a spork and our 'John Waynes'. :bs

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 08 May 2009 08:17 
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what the hell is a john wayne??

other than the duke, of course.

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"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 08 May 2009 13:21 
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Benno the Mad wrote:
what the hell is a john wayne??

other than the duke, of course.


Lol, it was the Marine version of the tiny P-38 can opener that came with the C-Rats. We called it a John Wayne as a tribute to the Duke and all he did to promote the USMC in his movies.

I am sure it is not used anymore since MRE's do not require a can opener. :bs

Here is a link in case you wish to get a peek at it.

http://www.americanhonor.net/p-38%27s.htm



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 09 May 2009 17:29 
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Image

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"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


Last edited by Benno the Mad on 09 May 2009 19:35, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: 09 May 2009 18:33 
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As much as I want to pull down that second pic, since it is a political statement and not a joke, I will leave it up.

Because I am sure somewhere on this misbegotten planet somebody finds it funny.

Benno, consider this a warning, political items do not belong in the tasteless humor thread. Next time it will be sent to the latrine.



Þórgrímr

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 12 May 2009 09:05 
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The economy is so bad…


1. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
2. Gold diggers are marrying for love.
3. Even people who were not hired by the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
4. Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
12. Mothers in Bangladesh are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the U.S.?"
13. Motel Six won't leave the light on.
14. The Mafia is laying off judges.
15. And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 08 Jun 2009 16:42 
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Rules for dating a Drill Instructors daughter



Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 10 Jun 2009 02:18 
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.... so i have to become a drill instructor to use those rules?

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"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 17 Jul 2009 18:17 
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The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar



Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists



Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire



Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight



Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed



Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election



Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs



Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental



Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery



Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death



Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow



Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow



Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U



Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie



Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby



Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium



Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome



Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor



Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport



Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas



Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face



Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight



Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 17 Jul 2009 18:55 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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LMAO! And I thought American kids were bad! :bs

And no, you do not have to be a Drill Instructor to use those rules, but it sure helps. :w

Sorry about not answering your q earlier. I never got the email notice.



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 31 Jul 2009 14:06 
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A friend of mine who is in the Aussie Army, Gavin Saxon, sent me the following email. I think it belongs here in the Tasteless Humor thread. :bs


In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

This is a conversation which was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai... It's too good not to pass along.



The conversation went like this.....

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total silence)


Gotta love Marine pilots. :bs



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 01 Sep 2009 05:15 
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heard this one at work... gotta warn, a bit off colour (even for here).


A man comes across a young boy crying by the side of a road. He walks up to him and asks why he's crying.

"I just watched my mummy and daddy and brother and sister drive over the cliff and die!"

The man stands stunned for a while, then unzipped his fly saying "Well, I guess its just not your day"

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 23 Sep 2009 04:53 
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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees a light at the end of that tunnel.
A realist sees a train.
And the train driver sees three idiots on the tracks...

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 23 Sep 2009 13:25 
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Lol, Benno, good one! :bs

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 24 Sep 2009 04:00 
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going through old emails... found a few good ones.

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the
word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok I have found, definitive proof that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang. Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 24 Sep 2009 13:22 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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LMAO! Makes you wonder what Rowling was really thinking of when writing that stuff! :bs



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 04 Oct 2009 21:14 
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Not sure if you've seen this before, Thor, but I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

Fifty Reasons to love the USMC

1. Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a USMC regulation haircut and you spend less on shampoo.

2. Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military
worldwide.

3. Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the
proudest service members apart.

4. The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

5. Marines don't wear dungarees.

6. Most respect I: When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country.

7. Most respect II: When the Corps returned to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the beach at Cap Haitian said, "Welcome back!"

8. Toughest mascot: The Marine Corps' is a bulldog, the Navy's is a goat and the Army's is, very appropriately, a jackass.

9. Esprit de Corps: Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the
Marine Corps have it in spades. One example; when sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Bop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, "Death Before Dishonor,'' and "USMC."
10. Best war monument is the Iwo Jima.

11. The Marines invade, and then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

12. The silent drill platoon. Just watching them apply their trade
makes you want to wear dress blues.

13. Status: Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises then hit the beach.

14. Best fast attack vehicle, the LAVs

15. Best fighting knife, the Ka-Bar

16. Best duty assignments.Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

17. Worst duty assignments, Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

18. Most exotic duty assignments, Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

19. Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps and if you're a civilian with the mettle to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

20. Toughest DIs. They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, whom do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

21. Toughest boot camp, San Diego, California. When Navy
recruits were still training in San Diego, occasionally they would jump the fence and accidentally land at MCRD. The Marines would keep them a couple of days and when they were sent back, they were glad to be sailors! Corpsmen EXCLUDED of course.

22. Best motivational cry, Ooh-rah! It's pronounced Ooh-rah and NOT Hurrah

23. Best emblem, Eagle, Globe and Anchor

24. Best campaign covers, The Smokey Bear hat

25. Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

26. The best unofficial hymn for any of the services, "The Marines'
Hymn.
1. From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli; we fight our country's battles in the air, on land and sea. First to fight for right and freedom and to keep our honor clean; we are proud to claim the title of United States Marine.
2. Our flag's unfurled to every breeze from dawn to setting sun; we have fought in every clime and place where we could take a gun. In the snow of far off northern lands and in sunny tropic scenes, you will find us always on the job the United States Marines.
3. Here's health to you and to our Corps, which we are proud to serve. In many strife we've fought for life and never lost our nerve. If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scenes, they will find their women are sleeping with United States Marines!!!'

27. Best slogan, Once a Marine, always a Marine

28. Best slogan II. Tell that to the Marines

29. Best slogan III, Send in the Marines

30. Best nicknames I, Jarhead

31. Best nicknames II, Leatherneck

32. Best nicknames III, Devil Dog; the ultimate compliment, it was given to us by our enemy. The German Army in World War I, whose soldiers' greatest fear was running up against the
toughest American fighting men, the Marines, they called
us "teufelhunden,'' or Devil Dog

33. Most remarkable airplane, The Harrier. No other service's jets can take off and land on a dime.

34. Most dangerous airplane, The Harrier. Not a simple science, but luckily more of a danger to the enemy than to Marine fliers.

35. You're a Marine. Not a soldier or a troop.

36. That's Marines, with a capital M.

37. Tradition! The Corps is older than the republic itself

38. Marines symbolize discipline, courage, honor, commitment, valor, patriotism, and military virtue. The Army symbolizes "getting along" and "doing what everyone else does.

39. Best recruiting gimmick I, Those darn Knights-in-Shining-Armor
commercials

40. Best recruiting gimmick II, We're looking for a few good men.'' OK, they left out women. The Corps is looking for a few good women, too.

41. Best recruiting gimmick III, If you have the mettle to be a
Marine.

42. The Commandant's House. It's the oldest occupied residence in Washington, D. C.

43. Chesty Puller. You got to love a service that has heroes with names like that.

44. Unity; every Marine is a rifleman.

45. The Docs Marines' corpsmen-in-arms. They're sailors, but they're as tough as Marines.

46. Mud. You want to see pure joy? Look at a group of Marines after a mud fight.

47. Starch. Clean 'em up, put 'em in starched cammies, and they look sharp.

48. Poetry in motion. They're weapons, not g-u-n-s and if you don't know the pithy verse that explain that, don't ask us. We blush to tell.

49. Point of the spear, out in front, kicking down the door. What the Marines do best.

50. Former Commandant and Mud Marine Al Gray:
1. His official portrait in cammies
2. He drank from a four-star canteen cup
3. Business leaders are so impressed with his ethic and style, they are using his Fleet Marine Force Manual 1, "War fighting,'' to hone their skills for boardroom battles.

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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PostPosted: 07 Oct 2009 23:59 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Rob, I just saw that. Damn good, and true to. :ac :SN

For some damned reason I have not been getting email notices of posts. So sorry for the delay in replying.



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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PostPosted: 02 Nov 2009 02:21 
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Sergeant
Sergeant

Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
Why Iraq is taking so long.

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 18 Nov 2009 06:05 
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Joined: 27 Jul 2006 23:08
Posts: 235
Location: Australia
in the spirit of skippy's list, a few things i've been ordered and told in my time in the air force. a little artistic licence has been taken to make it a bit funnier, but these are things that have been told to me in the last 2 and half years.

don't make pornographic references about aircraft (during my first half hour. i was explaining to someone why we call f-111's "pigs")

i don't like aircraft more than sex (also at recruits, when i identified a hornet by sound... kinda easy, since the only other planes on base were orions and pc9's)

aircraft mags are not pornography, and should not be kept in the porno folder in your locker. (i took the above a bit further than it should have gone)

don't spew on my rope

not allowed to go to strip clubs in adelaide

shave that moustache off

spanners are not shiny sex toys (in a class called "tool identification")

an oxy acetalene torch is not "the black and red spanner"

you're not a doctor, and i don't trust you

when i study for an exam, it is to pass it, not get 0.

a rubber vagina isnt what is in the box.

nor is it an acceptable gift to the padre

stop acting so military

act like you're in the military

not allowed to scribble out the "australia" and write "new zealand" on our rank slides, then try to give it to the CO (who is a kiwi) in exchange for his rank slides when drunk

or sober

not allowed to use the phrase "you used to be cool, you used to be about the music, but now you're just about the drugs. you've changed, man, you've changed" while in uniform

taking care of someone who is drunk doesn't mean i should "take care" of them.

if it moves, he won't fuck it.

if it doesnt move, he wont push it.

escorting female photographers around the squadron doesnt mean what i think it means.

putting up posters of the WOE and labelling them "al qaeda's most wanted" isn't funny.

slideshows of people set to bette midler's "wind beneath my wings" isn't the sort of thing that we show during a brief

stop grinning

if someone points at the pitot probe and says "that must be the gun", im meant to correct them, not agree.

the correct response to someone pointing to the cannon rounds in my hand and asking "are they explosive?" is "no", not "lets find out" and dropping them.

asbestos waste bags are not full of yummy lollies, and it is wrong to tell people that they are.

even though the bags are clearly marked "asbestos waste"

the movie is not bambi

when you drive a vehicle to the mess, you write in the log that you went to the mess, not that you tried to swap it for a tank.

or rob a bank.

the british aren't trying to reestablish the empire by selling us hawks.

not allowed to sign up routine maintenance in accordance with "cold hard speculation"

not allowed to hang myself with the sling of my steyr while doing drill (that was today. we were practicing for a gate guard and the wod thought my sling was too short)

_________________
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
Run in little circles,
Wave your arms and shout."


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PostPosted: 21 Jan 2010 00:46 
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Warrant Officer 1
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Joined: 25 Aug 2005 09:47
Posts: 909
Location: Maumee, Ohio
The Prayers of Officers
One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

POOF!

God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."

POOF!

God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.

The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

POOF!

God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

_________________
"Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors."


“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

www.shallowbay.com Best. Band. Ever.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 21 Jan 2010 12:09 
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Sergeant Major of the USMC
Sergeant Major of the USMC
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Joined: 23 May 2005 16:49
Posts: 5244
Location: Wandering the Wastes
LMAO! :bl Yup, Land Navigation and map reading skills can come in handy at times! :bs



Cheers, Thor

_________________
Benno the Mad Wrote:
man, you gotta realise that thor and bos fell out of the patriot tree (like the ugly tree, but instills patriotism instead of ugly) and hit every branch on the way down.


"Gone now, dispersed by the brutal destruction of this one day, was the belief that the Darkman and his army of the dead were so superior as to be invincible. By attempting to destroy the morale of the Marines, the Darkman had restored it to full vigor. Dia De La Muerto had failed in its objectives."
The Gunny: Stand of the 300

Si vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war

Gunny's color #FF2400


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