The World of The Gunny

Benno, that was a good link! Cheers, Thor

>
>> For those who have sons & those who are happy that they don't....
>>
>>
>>
>> And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-
>>
>> 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2
>>
>> house to a depth of 10 cm.
>>
>>
>>
>> 2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them
>> with
>> roller blades, they can ignite.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
>>
>> crowded restaurant.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
>> not
>> strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a
>>
>> Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
>>
>> spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan
>> is
>> on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
>> few
>> times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long
>>
>> way.
>>
>>
>>
>> 6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a
>>
>> cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's
>>
>> already too late.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
>>
>>
>>
>> 9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
>>
>> though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year
>> old
>> Boy.
>>
>>
>>
>> 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
>>
>>
>>
>> 12. Super glue is forever.
>>
>>
>>
>> 13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you
>> still
>> can't walk on water.
>>
>>
>>
>> 14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
>>
>>
>>
>> 15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials
>> show
>> they do.
>>
>>
>>
>> 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>>
>>
>>
>> 17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
>>
>>
>>
>> 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.
>>
>>
>>
>> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
>>
>> like ovens.
>>
>>
>>
>> 20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.
>>
>>
>>
>> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
>> dizzy.
>>
>>
>> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>>
>>
>>
>> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>>
>>
>>
>> 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
>>
>> without kids.
>>
>>
>>
>> 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
>>
>


and this for good measure[/url]

Haegan sent me this in an email. And I thought it belonged here!



The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner Batman?'



Cheers, Thor

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail road tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Dude... gasping for air... I have tears in my eyes! I damn near choked on lunch I was laughing so hard. Gotta love folks who can think up witty partes liie those answers there!



Cheers, Thor

Why did God inven women?

To transport semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

READ AND TAKE NECESSARY CORRECTIVE ACTION.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through ignorant, promiscuous, and irresponsible behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and is pronounced "gonna re-elect em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having being "brainwashed" with promised change and then screwed. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how widespread this disease has become since it is so easily cured....by voting them out!

Apparently, there is a vaccine available in Massachusetts.

Some classes men would love to see for women!



Fall Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER



REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY: Thursday January 28, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5

Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM


Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Officer Evaluation Report Comments

1) Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports):

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
-A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
-A prime candidate for natural reselection.
-Bright as Alaska - in December.
-Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
-So dense, light bends around him.
-If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
-If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
-Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
-The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


2) Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marine officer fitness reports:

...His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
...I would not breed from this officer.
...He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
...He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
...This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
...Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
...She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. ...
...He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
...Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
..This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot



Cheers, Thor

This was done out of humor due to a series of bad die rolls when setting up my officers during one of our Beta games.


Due to the relative ignorance and lack of potential our graduates are showing, we have decided to tighten our rules in order to produce a better warrior.

1. We will limit our students to 2 martini parties per week
2. curfew is now 4 am in the morning instead of 5 am.
3. class per day is now 20 minutes instead of 15 and is no longer optional
4. we will now no longer be using crayons with the sparkles on our tests, though colored markers with the sparkles is allowed
5. test answers must be written on a white piece of paper. construction paper is no longer acceptable
6. Paper cuts will no longer be wrapped in bandages. The inflicted one must settle for an anti-biotic.
7. All applicants must know how to tie their own shoes before acceptance. Self-Reliance is a must!
8. Servants will no longer pick up your dirty clothes from the form hallways, they must be placed in your own room to get them washed.
9. Due to the high propensity of students hurting themselves with their dress swords, a basic 10 minute course on which end to hold and how to put them away without puncturing yourself is now a requirement for entrance to the school.
10. All students must be able to read the book "See Aerobhin Run" in order to show basic reading comprehension skills.

The Commandant feels that these rule additions and changes will produce a tougher class of officer who will be better prepared to meet head on the challenges of military life.

Bud, my eyes are tearing up! Gotta admit I had forgotten how piss poor your officers were!

But I think the book should be called See Aerobhin Run. Since no self-respecting Numie would read a book about Humans!



Cheers, Thor

i admit i was dreading getting into a fight with these guys. I kept saying to myself, "They have nowhere to go up up. really!" These officers would need a map and a guide to find their own asses!

The Priest and the Rabbi



A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

The Reverend and the Pastor


Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church
and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun
Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window, and yelled,
'You religious nuts!' From the curve, they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Tib, and asks: 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay....
'Bridge Out?'

this may seem like i'm trying to pull a leg, but it's 100% true...

At my SQN, we work an extra half an hour a day. So day shift goes from 7 to 4:30, and night shift goes from 4 to 1:30. We do this to get every second friday off. It's called our Day In Lieu Day Off....acronym DILDO. It's a very apt name for it, too, because sometimes they use it to fuck us - i.e. Bad weather forecast all week, they'll pull the dildo early and make us work the Friday..Once they gave us two days off to make us work the next four fridays....

So yep, at certain SQN's in the air force we get a dildo.

LMAO! Dude, my eyes are tearing up I am laughing so hard! Yep, it sounds about right for a military organization, no matter what nation.



Cheers, Thor

OMG that 's funny!